Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the door with a curtain.

Four hours after you go to sleep, have your spouse whip open the curtain shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack."

Renovate your bathroom: build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.

When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly Rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.

Put lube oil and urine in your humidifier instead of water and set it to high.

Don't watch TV except old movies in the middle of the night.

Alternate your thermostat between 85 and 52 degrees, regardless of the season.

Throw a dark towel in with your laundry, wash on hot with bleach so that all your skivvies become an even gray.

Have your spouse run out of the entree whenever something good is served for dinner.

Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

(Optional for ex-engineering types) Leave lawn mower running in your living-room to simulate noise levels.

Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week, for an hour, then store excess garbage on your front porch.

Make up your family menu a month ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then, regardless of what's planned, serve canned ravioli, cold cuts and rice 4 out of every seven days.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into the yard and breakout the garden hose and yell at the top of your voice, "Number one hose manned and ready."

Once a month take every major appliance, power tool and motor completely apart and then put them back together. Keep detailed records. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come visit for a couple months.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

Tape safety warnings and operating instructions on every appliance, power tool, door, sink, step, and window throughout your house.

Periodically trip all the breakers in your house, preferably while a lot of appliances are running.

Nail boards 1 foot from the top or bottom of all the doorways in your home so that you either trip or hit your head every time you pass through one. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick at one side to level it out.

Every so often throw your cat into the swimming pool, shouting, "Man overboard. This will be a shipboard recovery!" Muster all the family members on the patio and take a head count.

Also every so often, roust your family out of bed and yell "security alert." Make the younger family members stand perfectly still in the hallway while the older members stand guard at the door and/or search the attic for burglars.

Go into the kitchen and sweep all the pots, pans and dishes of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your spouse for not having the place "stowed for sea."

Put on a set of head phones (Don't plug them in) and stand by the stove, say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for four hours, then again say, to no one in particular, "Stove secured," roll up headphone cord and put away.

Twice a week, get up at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Then, tie a brick around your neck and go stand out in the back yard till 4 A.M. Call your spouse and report any cars that you see passing the house.

Stencil every door in your house with the name of the room it leads to and its "tack" number.

Install an intercom system throughout your house. Every 15 minutes, loudly announce meaningless facts and events, "Dinner is being served at this time." "Mom is going next door."

Ring a bell every half hour. Blow a whistle for 3 minutes before each meal.

Run all piping and wiring in your house on the outside of the drywall. Once a week, pump 10 inches of nasty, crappie water into your basement, pump it out, clean up and paint the floor deck gray.

On Monday, Wednesday and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees then down to 10 degrees on all other days.

Raise your bed to within 36 inches of the ceiling.

Have a recording set to go off every day at 5 A.M. with a loud whistle, then yelling, "Reveille, Reveille, Reveille. All hands heave out and trice up".

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the backyard at 6 A.M. and read it.

Eat the raunchiest food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "SECURED - contact OA DIV at X-3053."

Submit a written request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave the house before 3 P.M.

Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After 6 months, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home. You can't leave until the next day.

Shower with above-mentioned friends.

Make your family qualified to operate every appliance in your home, i.e., Dishwasher Operator, Blender Technician, etc.

Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off."

Empty all the garbage bins and sweep all floors and driveways 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

Repaint your entire house once a month.

Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. Now, chow down! You have 5 minutes.

Spend $20,000 on a new satellite system for your tv but only watch CNN and the weather channel.

Attempt to spend 5 years working for McDonald's, while not getting promoted.

Ensure that any promotions you get are from stepping over the dead bodies of your coworkers.

"Needle gun" the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

Have someone yell, over your intercom system, randomly, in the middle of the night, "The house is under attack, General Quarters, General Quarters. All hands, man your battle stations."

Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner (or other favorite food). Then, make them wait in line for at least an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak but you have dried ham or soggy hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium in 4 hour shifts. Remove podium and secure watch when the weather warms up.

Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then, tell them that at the end of the 6 weeks, you're going to take them to Disneyland. Announce this several times a day. Then, at the end of 6 weeks, tell them that the Disneyland trip has been canceled due to E-cert work ups and that they can't leave the house for at least another week.

Now, you old salts can get "underway" any time and the rest of you can enjoy the true romances of shipboard life.

Thanks to shipmate Steven Dawid 71-74 for this feature.